… with a big sigh and a sense of relief, she looked at me and said “isn’t it nice to get the house back to square one”. For a moment in time, all the weight of the world was released in that one statement, and from that moment, the seed was planted. Any time chaos or disorder reined in my life, getting anything “back to square one” gave me a sense that all was right in the world. All the pieces were exactly where they should be – first cleaned, then polished, then placed carefully back where they belonged. If schedules went off the rails for a day, that was fine – the very next, it was back to square one. Nice, neat, and orderly. Expectations were known.
Two years ago I started to have back issues. Crazy to think that I’ve dealt with this that long! 8 months ago I had surgery. My body has taken its very sweet time in healing, but in doing so, it has kept me from any additional surgeries. The time has finally come that I can stretch myself and get back to where I was even a year ago and begin to get healthy. Again. So, I am back to square one. But, this time, there isn’t a sense of order, because order flew out the window a long time ago. There are a lot of unknowns, but first… its time to move a mountain.
Back to square one
This past Saturday I went to the Y for the first time in about a year. Well, that’s not true – I’ve been since, but only for the hot tub ;). My goal was just to walk, and get my leg moving. You see, I lost a lot of function and strength with my left leg, so just getting it to move and flex right now is my goal. I was able to do a mile (only walking!) on the treadmill, then I moved to leg weights. This was.. interesting. You see that picture? That’s the extent on what I could lift on a leg paddle machine thingy. Then I moved onto a leg lift and was able to do the same weight. Last, it was leg crunches, and I couldn’t do those yet. Back to square one.
In a lot of ways I’m back to square one – physically, of course, but in my inner self as well. Learning to let go of what I thought was going to be, and learning to yield to a great plan as it unfolds. Here I am back at home, raising my kids. Timely, yes, as I have a senior (and, whoo boy college planning!), but what is next, I have no idea. I just know that it is my job to do, and put myself forward, and Jesus will work out the details as long as I’m obedient.
Being back to square one isn’t always a nice neat package like it used to be where it brought about a sense of relief, or order. In fact, being back to square one is almost… boring. But, it does represent a new beginning. And, that is where I am at. Only, I don’t know the complete picture, or where I’m going, but that’s ok, because all along? I’m just a passenger anyway.